fakenews
Beloved actor Kevin Bacon has reportedly passed away at the age of 66. Known for his iconic roles in films like "Footloose" and "A Few Good Men," Bacon's sudden demise has left fans heartbroken, with many speculating that humanity now has nothing left to lose.
The vice presidential hopefully enthusiastically shouted out "I GOT A ROCK ON FOR EROXON!" and swallowed a handful of the medication at a campaign stop at their headquarters today. An hour later he was complaining of a painful erection that would not go down. Even after staffers offered him a copy of Juggs and 10 minutes of alone time in the hotel room.
"It stinks!" The former president railed against his work, "working is for suckers, losers, real loser energy, folks, when I'm president, NO MORE WORK! It's true, it's true, we got these big beautiful workers and we make them toil away at McDonald's, nuh-uh, not under my watch, you're not going to have to work anymore!" he added, "we're going to make CHYNA pay for it, it's true, Xi, he's very rude, Xi hates you for being a worker so he's going to foot the bill, he can afford it."
The former president is doing a new first in anticipation of winning the election next month. Trump has teamed up with embattled video game retailer Gamestop to release the store's first in-house designed video game console. The "Patriotstation 360" is set to launch on November 5th election day with what fans are calling one of the most anticipated video game exclusives in recent history. "The Cheetahmen REBORN" is a remake of the failed Action 52 title from the Nintendo Entertainment System years. The kickstarter for the console and Cheetahmen broke records raising over 1.1 billion dollars, only second place to Star Citizen's 290 billion. We caught up we Trump superfan and gamer Dan Bongos, 42, of Newark. "I'm super excited. Trump is the s**t and so is the Cheetahmen. Remember when the AVGN reviewed it? Epic. MAGA!"
Trump went on to lament about how great his life was before getting into politics. Then he took another swipe at the crowd saying "freaks like you, YOU, have RUINED my life, I HATE YOU." We caught up with attendee Dan Bongos, 42, of Newark shortly after who commented he was pleased to be insulted by the republican nominee. "It felt good, it's always good when Mr. Trump singles you out and calls you 'smelly'. I feel alive again!"
The critic of the former president has drawn the ire of Trump who went on truth social to lay into the journalist, "he's a fake gamer. PERIOD. He plays with a 360 controller like a NOOB. Folks, people like Lousy Geraldo are poisoning the blood of gaming. It's true! Me, I, am BASED GERALDO from the witcherinos NOT HIM, DON'T BE FOOLED."
In the rambling six minute video Biden claims he's been "toking reefer his entire life" proceeds to call Snoop Dogg "Slippy Frog" has a coughing fit after taking one hit of a joint, wherein his aids had to rush him some water and make sure he's okay. At the five minute mark he challenges Snoop to a pushup match and asks him to vote for him in December. The Trump campaign has latched onto the social media backlash calling it "disgraceful" and adding that Trump could "out smoke" Biden and Snoop Dogg combined.
Dan Bongos, 42, of Newark is wanted by authorities after being found aboard said Dragon capsule as it returned to earth's atmosphere. Not only do they want to know how he got on board, they also want to know how he survived in a low oxygen environment without a suit. When the booster touched down he was seen running from the fuselage, naked, screaming "GAMESTONKS, ELON, DOGECOIN!". There's now a 14 state wide manhunt for Mr. Bongos.
https://xcancel.com/VerminSupreme/status/1845249496688493028
Some in the crowd were receptive to the former president doing drugs live on stage and were seen cheering him on, while we caught up with one attendee who did not approve, Dan Bongos of Simi Valley, 42, "it's not right." He said, "mankind shouldn't see the creator of the universe. That's only something that happens when you die. He's tempting fate and it's risky for our country."
Sitting down with Dana Bash of CNN the vice president nominee paused her to pull a hip flask out of his jacket that smelled of Listerine. "Is, is that mouthwash?" a confused Bash asked. "It is, I like to live it up" replied Vance taking a huge gulp to which he screamed out "IT BURNS OH MOMMY HELP ME. HOOOAH NOW I'M ALIVE!" The interview airs Monday on Anderson Cooper 360.
Details around what exactly was in the food is hazy but one contestant described it as "battery acid".
The 63 year old Dr Peter Sausage was sentenced today after floods of accusations against the doctor surfaced after victims’ families complained to the board of Californian health that the doctor was a fraud and that he *forced* his patients with ages ranging from 72-96 to smoke crack in his office. The DEA also involved in the investigation discovered that Dr. Sausage was also a crack manufacturer and use to peddle his own product at his practice. In interrogation footage back in November 2023, the doctor laughed in the face of law enforcement who explained the damages he had caused to several victims with some developing a dependency on the drug and using Dr. Sausage as a source. DEA agent Carlos Sosa said in court that the doctor would hand out the crack to his elderly patients for free and was just “amused” at the prospect of getting elderly people addicted to crack, “his drive was one out of pure amusement… besides having his own business selling crack outside of his practice, he found joy in administering his elderly patients with the drug.” A total of 38 fell victim to the doctor’s cruel schemes with over half of them now dead, a victim of one of the patients 85 year old Dolores Flower who died in her son Adam’s home, retold the horrors during closing statements. “I just want my mom back and her grandchildren have no grandmother” just as Mr. Flower said those words, a laugh could be heard from the accused. The doctor is now facing multiple life sentences at a maximum security facility.
**CASTLE KOOPA, KOOPA KINGDOM** - In a shocking turn of events following the UN decision to drop the charges of genoicde on Princess Peach, the Koopa Kingdom has declared war on the Mushroom Kingdom. Prime Minister Kamek announced this morning that the Koopa Kingdom has for too long "...been at the mercy of imperialists like the Mushroom Kingdom and their dogs in New Donk City." This event comes nearly a decade after the 6th Koopa War was brought to a close following a cease-fire agreement known as the Odyssey Accords. Kamek also added in his statement that, "All lands annexed by the Mushroom Kingdom will be liberated and Princess Peach is to face trial for her crimes." We reached out to the Chancellor of the Mushroom Kingdom for comment, however we are yet to get a response. Many analysts say that the Koopa Kingdom has severly depleted manpower since the last war. And with 19% of the Mushroom Kingdom's population being Koopa, it will be a tough sell to the international community that this war is based on valid concerns. More will follow.
Reports from southern Lebanon suggest that Irish UNIFIL peacekeepers were involved in a tense standoff with the Israeli Defense Forces (IDF) on the Lebanese-Israeli border, leading to a brief but intense exchange of fire. The incident took place near the village of Al-Qusayr, a key area patrolled by UNIFIL forces as part of their mandate to monitor the situation. According to sources on the ground, Israeli forces, conducting operations in the border region, approached a UNIFIL checkpoint manned by Irish peacekeepers, ordering them to vacate the area in anticipation of a wider military engagement against Hezbollah positions. The Irish contingent, fulfilling their UN-mandated mission, refused to abandon their post, citing their duty to maintain peace and protect local civilians. The situation escalated rapidly when a miscommunication occurred between the two forces, leading to warning shots being fired by the IDF. The Irish peacekeepers, believing they were under attack, returned fire in what officials described as a "controlled defensive response." The exchange, which lasted several minutes, saw light arms fire on both sides but no serious injuries were reported. UNIFIL headquarters has launched an immediate investigation into the incident. UN officials have emphasized that their peacekeepers remain neutral and that the exchange of fire was an unfortunate misunderstanding in a high-tension environment. Both the Israeli government and the Irish peacekeepers have issued statements downplaying the event, with Israeli military spokespeople calling it a “localized issue” that was “quickly de-escalated.”
The leak suggests around mid August several mile long spacecraft of unknown origin had arranged a formation around the entirety of Turkey’s borders. The inhabitants of the ships relayed a poorly translated message after 13 days after their arrival with one message, “give land or war.” It is currently unknown what this means exactly but the fact the UFO’s have only established their presence around Turkey suggests they want to claim Turkey for themselves. The highly secretive reports suggest the public is mostly unaware due to the UFO’s cloaking ability which allows the craft to blend in with the Earth’s atmosphere, they only made their presence known when a joint military operation coordinated by NATO had initially planned to use nuclear weapons after suggesting the ships could be Russian and this was an escalation. The ship is described to be miles long and is pitch black absorbing 99% of all light, the craft has a nonagonal base which is 2 miles in diameter with a “cone” like extension that is said to expand 1.5 miles in diameter, the ship emits no light whatsoever.
One of its mission has you play initially as "Nof Erez" as you and your brothers-in-arm seek to leave no Israeli left behind enemy lines...
Governor Desantis legalized the class A drug in a bold move after hurricane Milton’s ongoing torment is predicted to leave billions of dollars worth of damage. The hurricane which is currently category 2 is predicted to become a category 3 hurricane in the coming days which has forced hundreds of thousands of Floridians to seek refuge in safer places in the state. North Carolina’s Helen left 35 thousand dead and displaced over 13 million people without homes, to date it has been the most devastating hurricane in American history and most costly amounting to 60 billion worth of damages. The move to decriminalize crack was seen as a “Hail Mary” attempt by officials as Florida comes in second in percentage of people who use the drug, Milton will increase usage and introduce newcomers to help cope with the loss of loved ones and their properties. When Desantis was pressed on the matter, the governor quoted Cambodia’s dictator Pol Pot saying “it’s up to history to judge.” As it seems nature has decided to shift itself months behind as temperatures all across the globe continue to rise leading to bizarre weather patterns. August and early September is known by the NHC to be “hurricane season” but to have such destructive consecutive storms in October is rare but possibly a window into the oncoming escalation of the climate crisis. Crack cocaine was listed as a schedule 2 drug by the DEA in 1982 after scores of the drug made its appearance in low income areas introduced by the Reagan administration. The alleged “war on drugs” was a war on the lower classes in America in a joint coordinated “attack” on civilians from both the US and UK after Thatchers’ push to close the mining industry lead to large amounts of Scottish people resorting to using heroine. Thatcher and Reagan both had a “dual obsession” with Cambodia’s Pol Pot and seemingly approved some of his anti communist / removal of society methods. Crack is made by simmering cocaine in a pot whilst whisking it continuously which forms a brown slurry which is then cooled down and forms into a solid known as “rock.” The rocks are then broken down into smaller pieces and then smoked. When consumed crack induces feelings of euphoria and bolsters energy.  *and image of crack cocaine*
"It's worse than I imagined. They're feeding white people vegetables with SOY in it as part of the #whitegenocide. The elite hate North Carolina because it's based and white and they're killing white people and putting them in COFFINS inside a lithium mine." Mr. Bongos reported from his hotel room at the Motel 6.
The Trump booster went on to say "We don't get hurricanes in Texas because they know we'd kick their WOKE ass."